Tag Archives: Parenting

Know Your Toddler’s Limits – and Plan Accordingly

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Know Your Toddler’s Limits – and Plan Accordingly

I was watching a young parent in a mall recently. This father had stopped to talk to a friend. However, he had his two-year-old child with him. And it was very clear that his toddler was very quickly bored and wanted to move away from his dad to do some exploring on his own.

This father wanted his child to stand by him and be patient. But as his son kept trying to get away, the father became progressively more upset and angry as his young son did not want to stand quietly near him.

This dad hadn’t planned very well. He should have had some toys or objects to distract his son just in case he stopped to talk to a friend or decided to go to lunch.

Despite what some parents might think, toddlers aren’t evil little creatures constantly looking for chances to frustrate their parents. They’re just trying to grow and learn about the environment and how best to operate within their world. And a lot of times, they are not going such a good job – mostly because they have a short attention span. Neither yelling nor stern commands from parents will change that. They will still have a short attention span.

In living with a toddler, there will be many situations – say when you’re talking to a friend, traveling in the car, or having lunch in a restaurant – which require the use of distractions.

Distraction can be a fine art when thoughtfully used with a toddler. By simply drawing your child’s attention from an unwanted action or behavior to something more interesting, you can solve some immediate behavior problem or prevent a temper tantrum.

It is always best to know the abilities of your toddler – and to bring along some supplies which will suit his abilities.

The 12- to 18-Month-Old Toddler

At this age, distraction is most likely to be used in a very deliberate way. But it’s important to know the attention span of the normal child from 12 to 18 months. Their attention span ranges from a few seconds to about three minutes.

Children of this age can look at pictures in a book for a few seconds and may spend a few concentrated minutes exploring an unfamiliar object or toy. But they have a hard time dealing with confinement, so they will get restless and squirmy fairly quickly, which may mean one possible distraction is to get them moving.

Your best bet for distraction at this age is to bring along a new toy or one your child hasn’t seen for a while. More complex toys – with texture, sounds, and colors – will keep a toddler busy longer. You can also use snacks that are eaten one little piece at a time as a distraction.

The 18- to 24-Month-Old Toddler

At this age, the child’s attention span will range from about one minute to seven minutes. Since this slightly older toddler has a better ability to concentrate, she may sit quietly for several minutes with a book, toy, or video.

The best bet for distraction at this age is to use toys that inspire her to use her imagination. Dressing and undressing a doll, coloring on a sheet of paper, putting different shapes in a form board, or playing with simple puzzles can work well.

The 24- to 30-Month-Old Toddler

The older toddler’s attention span has increased from about five minutes to 15 minutes. Two-year-olds are continually gaining in concentration abilities, but remain highly distractible and move quickly from one activity to another.

The best ways to provide distraction now are to fill up a bag with surprises for your child to discover one at a time. Or let him choose several toys to bring along. But you should have that bag handy with several toys and other distractions. Other good distractions for children of this age include beads to be strung, stickers to be placed in a book, coloring books, and audiotapes with headphones which include a book that goes with the audiotape.

Have distractions available and you’ll never have to try to enforce patience or compliance with a stern voice.

Dealing with a Challenging Teen is a Daunting Task

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Dealing with a Challenging Teen is a Daunting Task

Thirteen-year-old Brock is a difficult youngster. He doesn’t come home from school on time, he talks back to his teachers, and he refuses to obey many requests or orders from his mother and stepfather. He’s also been in trouble for stealing. He’s generally angry at his teachers and his parents, and he says he wishes they would “just stop yelling at me.”

When his parents try to restrict him, Brock tells them it’s unfair. He says that being grounded or restricted to the house doesn’t do any good.  “It just makes me hyper and I get into more trouble,” Brock contends.

His parents have tried other punishments to attempt to get him to conform to the rules and to their expectations. They’ve taken away his bike, the use of a phone, his privilege of watching TV, and his iPod. Brock says he has to be good “for a little while” and then he gets back whatever was taken away. He adds, “My stepfather softens up after a while no matter how long he says he’s going to keep my stuff. My mom just can’t handle it when I give her a hard time, so my stepdad lets me off the punishment so my mom isn’t upset.”

Brock has learned to work the system in his home without really changing any of his behavior. All he has to do is yell at his mother, destroy something in the home, or just make life miserable for his parents, and they tell him to leave because “they can’t stand me anymore.”

When children who have been stubborn, oppositional, or defiant for several years get to be in their early teenage years, and their parents lack the training or skills to deal with them, they may be similar to Brock. Given Brock’s problems at home and at school, and given his consistent anger, along with his ability “to work the system,” it is very likely that he will continue to get into trouble and he could well end up in the juvenile justice system.

For some parents, having a teen like Brock end up in the justice system may be a welcome relief. They may feel like they’ve exhausted their ability to handle their adolescent. However, the reality is that a juvenile court or a family court can only offer some support and structure, and a court is unlikely to be able to undo everything that has led a young person like Brock to be what he is at this stage in his life.

There are, of course, other alternatives. Seeking professional help and having the teen attend a therapy group may be useful. Even more useful, though, might be family therapy. Family therapy can be particularly important in opening up lines of communication, changing reinforcement patterns in the family, and decreasing negative and critical interactions.

When an older child or adolescent, like Brock, is presenting serious and persistent oppositional and acting-out problems, parents must examine their own role in the development of the problem. It is often necessary for parents to accept that they will have to make some changes.

If a child, like Brock, has reached the adolescent years and is as out of control as Brock is, then it very likely means that there have been too many ongoing conflicts and battles within the family, and too little parental understanding of children and how they express negativism and independence. Of course, it almost never is exclusively the fault of a parent that a boy like Brock develops. However, it might well be the case that parents have likely mishandled at least some aspects of discipline.

But what can you do at this point?

A good place to start is to understand that there is no magical solution to getting a teen under control. It usually requires patience, perseverance, strength, and determination to bring about changes. In addition, there will have to be work to set clear limits and rules. Rules and expectations will have to be communicated clearly. Parents will have to learn to be consistent and firm in enforcing rules. And they will have to offer close monitoring and supervision.

But with all of that, outside help is usually required because the task of bringing about changes in a stubborn and defiant teen is daunting.

What Can You Do When Your Teenager Runs Away from Home?

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What Can You Do When Your Teenager Runs Away from Home?

 

Mary Lynn, age 14, ran away from home because she said she didn’t like living with her parents. However, for several weeks prior to running away, her mother and father were aware of changes in her personality. She was more withdrawn, was skipping classes at school, lied frequently, and was angry much of the time. It wasn’t until she ran away that her parents discovered she had a boyfriend and she was involved in drug use.

Boyd, age 16, left home after an argument with his stepfather. The argument became physical and his stepfather punched him in the face. Boyd stormed out of the house saying he was never coming back. Before this argument there were several altercations between Boyd and his stepfather, with several resulting in his stepfather hitting Boyd with his fists or a belt. Boyd had been determined to stick it out at home because he loved his mother, but he just couldn’t take the abuse by his stepfather.

Lejeanne, age 15, ran away after she was slapped by her mother during an argument about her school grades. Lejeanne said she wasn’t going to live in a house where she was abused and she preferred to live with people who loved her and respected her. Leajeanne and her mother didn’t have many arguments, but their arguments when they occurred were often intense that often left both of their crying.

It is not uncommon for adolescents to run away from home. Often, they return home within a day or so, and the problems leading to the truancy get worked out. However, in general, teens run away from home because of communication problems between themselves and their parents.

But sometimes, as in the case of Mary Lynn, there can be other factors that lead adolescents to want to leave home. Many teens are abused by a parent. This is especially true for girls who experience physical or sexual abuse. For some, like Mary Lynn, they have difficulty making the transition to adolescence and may get involved with older boys, seek out peer relationships with negative peers, or may begin using drugs or alcohol. These same adolescents may find the rules at home too restrictive and prefer to live elsewhere so they have more freedom and independence.

Sometimes, because both the teen and his parents need a cooling off period, allowing them to spend a few days with a friend or a relative can lead to a successful reunion when they return home. This was true for Lejeanne, who accused her mother of abusing her. While their argument clearly got out of hand, there was no pattern of abuse in the relationship. When Lejeanne had a few days to calm down at her grandmother’s house, she realized this and returned home. At home both Lejeanne and her mother apologized to each other and talked about ways to keep their disagreements and arguments under better control.

But suppose your adolescent doesn’t want to return home?

This is exactly what happened with Mary Lynn.

Her mother recognized that they needed to rebuild their relationship with each other and talk about what she was experiencing and why she ran away. However, before she returned home, she began hanging with her previous friends who were older, more involved in drugs, and uninterested in school. While Mary Lynn’s mother thought they were making progress in their phone conversations, Mary Lynn told her mother she wasn’t coming back home. She said she would run away again if forced to live at home or with a relative.

When a teen is below the age of 16, they really don’t have much choice but to return home and try to work out the problems. A teen can be reported to the police as a runaway and a complaint can be filed with the juvenile court. Obviously, teens are minors and incapable of making decisions about their life. But the purpose of a police report and a juvenile court complaint is not to punish a teen or get them in trouble, but to force them to return home and for the family to get help.

A runaway adolescent should be regarded as a symptom of a family problem and the help should involve the parents and teen seeing a therapist. If you file a complaint in the juvenile court and the case is accepted, the adolescent is likely to be placed on probation with specific restrictions. Since parents can’t stop a determined teen from running away, some back-up help is needed. That’s where a juvenile court can be helpful.

Knowing your Child’s Friend’s Parents can Pay Dividends

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Knowing your Child’s Friend’s Parents can Pay Dividends

When Marianne’s mother announced at dinner that she was going to the PTA meeting that night, Marianne found a time to talk with her as soon as dinner was over.

“I know you’re going to be talking to Amy’s mother at PTA tonight,” Marianne said, “so I thought I better tell you that me and Amy got in trouble at school today. And we have to serve a detention after school tomorrow.”

“Weren’t you going to tell me about it?” her mother asked.

“Yes, I probably would have sooner or later,” Marianne said. “But when I thought about you talking to Amy’s mom at PTA tonight, I thought I better tell you before she – or someone else – told you.”

Then there was Bobby. Bobby’s parents were very involved in hockey, baseball, and the school orchestra. Bobby was acutely aware that at every game and every orchestra rehearsal his mom and dad socialized with the parents of his friends.

If Bobby failed to tell his parents about a poor grade on a test, a reprimand from a teacher, or a conflict with a coach, they always heard about it from someone else.

“I might as well tell you everything first,” Bobby said to his father one day. “I know you’ll find out everything I did from someone’s mom or dad.”

When you are raising a child, no matter how good your child is or how close the relationship you and your child share, there are likely to be things that you are not told by your child. This will be particularly true when your child is an adolescent.

But that’s normal. Teenagers are breaking away from their parents and becoming more independent. They frequently withhold information or avoid answering your questions. Often, they feel that your questions about their life are meant more as interrogation than as friendly conversation.

It may that your child or teen has little to hide, yet as a parent, you may feel left out. Indeed, there may be essential things you should know that they somehow don’t get around to telling you. Consequently, to play your role as monitor and guidance counselor, you may need more information than what she’s voluntarily sharing with you.

You will increase your chances of getting vital information by maintaining relationships with other parents and even with their teachers. When your child knows you will be talking to other parents, as well as to her teacher or her principal, she may decide to tell you things first. Just like Bobby and Marianne did.

As a parent, it is reassuring to know that you’re going to learn things from someone. By having more information, no matter who that information comes from, you are in a better position to act in your child’s best interest.

It can also be reassuring to know that you can talk to other parents at school events or that you can call your child’s friend’s parents at any time to check things out.

Although your child may never admit it, it has to be reassuring for him to know he cannot get away with very much. It takes pressure off your child when they know they can’t hide their actions while hoping no one tells on them. It has to be comforting as well for a teenager to realize they can rely on you to do your part by acting on information that is readily available to help keep them in line.

When teenagers know you’re going to find out about their behavior, they are less likely to make poor decisions and betray important family values. Furthermore, it takes the guesswork out of situations for them. They don’t have to try to predict whether you’ll learn something disappointing or worrisome. They know you’ll always find out.

Finally, knowing nothing can be hidden means that they can avoid peer pressure by telling others that they can’t do something because their parents will find out. It’s a handy excuse when they want to bow out of questionable behaviors or actions.

My Advice: Don’t Ever Offer Advice to Your Teenager!

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My Advice: Don’t Ever Offer Advice to Your Teenager!

If there is a good rule of thumb in parenting teenagers, it is this: Resist giving advice – even if your teen asks for your advice.

If you are the typical parent of an adolescent, I’m sure you have thought more than once about why your son or daughter never listens to you and never seems to want – or use – your great advice and well-considered suggestions.

Also, again if you are a typical parent, you probably have found it difficult on various occasions to stop yourself from giving advice when it seemed to be called for.

For example, Heidi heard her daughter Samantha talking to a friend about posting something negative on Facebook about somebody they both knew. Later, Heidi said to Samantha, “If I were you, I wouldn’t do that. You don’t know what could happen as a result of saying something about people on a social media site. It could all go horribly wrong.”

To which Samantha replied:  “Get over it, Mom, it’s just Facebook.”

And when Paul tried to give his son Eric suggestions about his basketball playing, Eric’s responses were nearly always the same: “Whatever.” And Paul never saw any indication that Eric heeded his advice.

But to not give your teen any advice, doesn’t that contradict conventional parenting wisdom? Aren’t good parents supposed to support their adolescents and communicate with them?

Well, yes, that much is true and is certainly well-founded conventional wisdom. But the next question is more important: How often do teenagers want your advice? And, as a follow up question, how often do they actually ask for your advice?

Assuming again that you are that typical parent of a teen, you might not be able to recall very many times your teen actually solicited your advice or suggestions – on any subject.  Instead, your perception is probably just the opposite. That is, while you have lots of good advice that you’re ready and willing to share with your teenager, most of the time she isn’t willing to listen to it.

Of course, there is a developmentally appropriate reason for this. Since they are becoming more independent and autonomous, they would like to feel more grownup. If they asked for your advice or took your opinion into account in making decisions, it might make them feel like a younger child – and not like the adult they aspire to be.

However, I do know that adolescents — on occasion — seek advice from their parents. There are some good reasons for this, too. One reason is that no matter how often they act like they don’t care what you think or how much stored up wisdom you have, the fact is they still do look up to you. But because of them desperately needing to break away from you and be their own person, they can’t really acknowledge this.

On the other hand, there are those times when they have a momentary loss of belief or faith in their own capabilities. They, then, may be looking to borrow your belief in them until they can restore it in themselves. However, the catch-22 here is that they can only regain faith in their own abilities by working out their own problems.

Which often means that while you should probably not waste your time giving unsolicited advice, you should also not take a teen’s request for advice too literally.

I have another rule of thumb that applies to such situations: Don’t ever give advice to your adolescent until the third time they ask for it.

If you start with “What do you think you ought to do?” or “What do you want to do?” and they give adequate responses to these questions, but they still want to know what you would recommend, you can assume they are serious and truly do want to know what you would advise.

If you follow my two rules of thumb you might find out what a parent I know discovered.  After following my rules for dealing with teenager’s requests for advice, she commented: “The less advice I offer, the more my son talks to me.”

Your Teenager Was Caught Cheating at School. Now What do You Do?

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Your Teenager Was Caught Cheating at School. Now What Do You Do?

 

Jasmine, the mother of 15-year-old Julian, was concerned about his cheating at school.  Jasmine had received a phone call from Julian’s Algebra teacher that she had discovered Julian cheating on a test and had given him a zero on the exam.

“This isn’t the first time he cheated at school,” Jasmine said. “This happened in another class a few months ago.”

Jasmine was concerned about what her response should be.

“How should I handle it?” she asked. “I feel like I should try to make him feel ashamed because he doesn’t seem to have any guilt about cheating. Should I discuss it openly at home? Should I tell his grandparents? Should I punish him.”

She said she had talked to him and learned that he was aware that other kids in his Algebra class were also cheating. Therefore, he didn’t think he did anything so wrong. “Everybody cheats,” he said to her.

“But with his attitude,” Jasmine said, “I feel like I should teach him a life lesson. But I don’t know how to do that.”

Many parents might feel the same way as Jasmine. If your child was caught cheating at school, you would like to not only stop it but also teach an important lesson in the process. However, like Jasmine, many parents may be perplexed about how to approach the situation so something positive comes of it.

But how should Jasmine – or you  — handle it when your adolescent is caught cheating?

Although I believe that guilt is important in helping us regulate our behavior, I’m not sold on the idea of trying to shame a teenager in order to attempt to bring about a change in behavior.  The self-image of teenagers is often too fragile for public shame or ridicule to be effective. Better ideas might be the following:

  • Make your rules and expectations as clear as possible. For instance, after a cheating incident you could say, “You know how I feel about dishonesty. It’s wrong to cheat in order to get a better grade. No matter why you cheated, there is no justification. I don’t want you to ever do this again.”
  • Try to understand what motivated your teen to cheat. Was he trying to get a better grade in order to live up to pressure on him to succeed? Was he doing it because he thought everyone else was cheating? Is cheating a habit or pattern for your child? The more you know about the motivation, the better able you will be to help him deal with the cause.
  • Help your child to problem solve and come up with a viable plan so he won’t have to cheat again. Knowing why he cheated can help you help him to devise a strategy so he can avoid cheating in the future. If he feels there is pressure on him to achieve very high grades, then maybe you can help him to view the pressure differently or perhaps you can help ease this pressure.
  • Be clear in reasoning with him as to why you think cheating is wrong. You may have personal scruples, a moral philosophy, or religious principles that lead you to believe that cheating is wrong. When talking to your child, tell him why you believe it is wrong. For example, you could say, “I strongly disapprove of cheating because it is morally wrong. I believe it is not right for people to seek to gain something through dishonest means.” Or, you could say, “I find cheating to be a very poor habit because if you get away with it you may come to rely on cheating and you may do it again and in other classes. The more you cheat at school, the greater the likelihood that you will risk a suspension or expulsion. If you cheat in the future in a job or work environment, you may be labeled as untrustworthy or you may even be subject to criminal charges. Cheating is a very serious matter.”

Teen Shares Risk-taking Behavior; Now What do you Do?

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Teen Shares Risk-taking Behavior; Now What do you Do?

I overheard a mother and her teenage daughter talking to each other recently. Some important issues were being addressed and while both mother and daughter were struggling with these issues, neither seemed to realize exactly what was going on in their discussion – or their relationship.

The surface issues had to do with communication, morality, discipline, and trust. But, the age-old problem of redefining the relationship between parent and adolescent was also lurking underneath their conversation.

In this discussion, 16-year-old Charlotte wanted to be honest with her mother and she said she wanted to let her mother know that sometimes she drank beer with her friends.

“And you expect me to just say, okay and let you do that?” her mother asked.               “What else can you do?” Charlotte responded.

“As a parent,” her mother replied, “I have an obligation to tell you it is wrong. Maybe I should even try to stop you – or forbid you to hang around with your friends.”

“You can’t do that,” Charlotte said. “How would you do that anyway?”

Although there was a defiant edginess in this question by Charlotte, it was actually an excellent question. At the same time, it revealed the conflict that often takes place between parents and adolescents. Parents may realize they may need to continue to set limits, but how exactly do they do that with a girl like Charlotte who drives, spends time with friends, and is away from home a good part of every day?

Although the conversation started out as Charlotte’s attempt to be open with her mother about her behavior, her mother was concerned about Charlotte engaging in a risky behavior – drinking. And her mother wasn’t sure what to do with this knowledge. Should she try to stop her daughter from drinking? If so, how would she do this? Should she repeat again (for maybe the 100th time in Charlotte’s life) that drinking alcohol at her age is illegal and that she — her mother — thought drinking was wrong?

Would anything her mother said or did have any significant effect on Charlotte’s future behavior in regards to drinking alcohol with her friends?

Charlotte and her mother were visiting a classic struggle that countless other parents and teens have faced. The problem seems to be about drinking, but the conflict has much more to do with the relationship between parents and teenagers.

Parents worry that they are losing control and that they have a diminished ability to play a significant role in what their adolescents do. On the other hand, teens may seek out a more equal relationship with their parents and they may want to be able to share things about their life in an open, adult-like manner.

Yet, a parent doesn’t stop being a parent – certainly not with a 16-year-old daughter or son. So even though a child may reveal things that are of concern, how is a mother or father supposed to handle it?

In this conversation, Charlotte’s mother was not ready to say what needed to be said. However, based on my experiences with teens, here’s the way I believe parents need to respond in this kind of situation:

Mother: “I appreciate you being honest and open with me about your drinking. I’d like to believe that we have an honest relationship with each other and I hope that continues.

“However, as you are aware, I can’t offer my support for you doing something that is illegal and maybe even dangerous. But I also have a lot of confidence in your ability to make wise decisions.

“I prefer that you not drink with your friends. You know all the reasons why I’m against teenagers drinking. And you know I love you and worry about your health and safety. However, I also know I can’t stop you from doing things when you are with your friends that are risky.

“But, again, I trust that you will make good decisions that will make me proud of you. I’m willing to discuss your decisions any time you want. And if I can help you make the right decisions, you know I’m always here for you.”

Dads Get the Empty Nest Blues, Too

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Dads Get the Empty Nest Blues, Too

When my youngest child was ready to go to college, I drove him 1200 miles to Oklahoma, helped him get settled in his dormitory, and said goodbye.

Before leaving Jason, I made plans to come back for parent’s weekend and for a football game.

And that was that. Or so I thought.

I didn’t count on experiencing the fabled “empty nest syndrome.” I didn’t expect to miss him or feel such a great sense of loss. But it made sense that I would have those feelings. After all, I had devoted my weekends for about 25 years to my two children. I vowed when they were young that I would never be too busy to spend lots of time with them. Which I did. But with both of them gone, now what was I supposed to do?

It was at that point that I had to admit that dads suffer from the empty nest syndrome just like mothers. Traditionally, or so I thought, it was supposed to be moms who experienced this syndrome. They were the ones who supposedly devoted their lives to raising children and nurturing them as they guided them from play groups to sleepovers to soccer games to dating. Giving all of that up, so the traditional thinking went, leaves moms often feeling the blues when the nest is suddenly empty.

If your child is world-bound this fall – to college, a new job, or some other adventure – you may be a prime candidate for experiencing the feelings of being adrift without the structure of taking care of a child and doing all the tending that goes along being an involved parent.

But the empty nest syndrome doesn’t have to catch you unawares. You can be prepared and ready to cope with a new life; a life that will generally mean less conflict and commotion as your life with a teenager gives way to an existence with more peace and a lot more privacy.

It may be important to first look at how you’ve weathered other transitions in your life. If you’ve dealt fairly smoothly with other major changes, then there’s a good bet that you’ll do okay with the child-leaving phase of your life. On the other hand, if major changes tend to throw you a bit, be prepared to feel shaky when your last (or perhaps only) child is packing to leave. That means you can count on being sad for a while and feeling – like I felt – as if a big part of life is changing.

So, if you’re experiencing the empty nest blues, try to pamper yourself and give yourself some room to experience those sad moments.

Also, look at the other parts of your life and see how firmly grounded you are in your other roles. How are your roles as wife (or husband), friend, or employee? Can you focus on strengthening those roles now that your role as dad or mom is coming to what feels like an end? How can you be better at those roles? What’s your vision for the future?

A satisfying marriage will provide emotional support through most of life’s transitions, but this transition involving the departure of your child can be weathered best if your marriage is a good one.

Of course, your marriage could crumble if you were staying in it for the kids. Nothing will expose the rotted foundation of an unstable marriage like not having kids around. That could mean you may need to schedule some counseling sessions to figure out how you’re going to cope with both the loss of your child and a not-so-stable marriage.

Finally, for the immediate future, make some specific plans for the first days you’re going to be childless. Plan activities with your spouse or your friends. And if you haven’t done anything interesting with either spouse or friends lately, now’s a good time to change that.

Adrian Peterson Pleads No Contest to a Child Abuse Charge

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Adrian Peterson Pleads No Contest to a Child Abuse Charge

The Adrian Peterson case has been resolved. Well, sort of.

That is, the Minnesota Vikings running back who was charged with a felony for disciplining his four-year-old son with a wooden switch which caused cuts and bruises agreed to a plea bargain.

Peterson said he wasn’t trying to harm his son. He was, however, disciplining him in much the same manner as Peterson himself was disciplined by his father. .

While this case resulted in lots of media attention, it did spark debate about spanking and corporal punishment. At the same time, it raised some important questions about the criminal justice system, punishment, and how best to handle child abuse and child maltreatment.

In the plea deal, in which Peterson pled no contest to a misdemeanor charge of reckless assault, he received a sentence that essentially gives the football star probation, a fine of $4,000, 80 hours of community service, and required parenting classes.

Our criminal justice system often prescribes jail or prison time for most serious offenders. Certainly this is true for child abusers. If Peterson had gone to trial and been convicted of felony child abuse, he would have been sentenced to two years in prison in Texas — where this case occurred.

When the charge is some form of child abuse, how does jail or prison time lead to someone becoming a better parent?

My understanding of the research on the effects of punishment is that while people when they are incarcerated maybe unable to commit future offenses because they are removed from their child and have little or no contact with their child, neither do they learn alternative behaviors. Punishment teaches what you’ll get in trouble for; it does not automatically teach you to be a better parent.

Peterson has been ordered to participate in parenting classes. That sounds great. Just what he needs since he grew up with corporal punishment, right? But, wait. As someone who has taught parenting classes both in and out of court systems, I know there are parenting classes and then there are parenting classes. That is, there are a wide variety of so-called parenting classes available in every state and big city. Some are very good, teaching parents appropriate forms of discipline that teach moms and dads how to raise a child without hurting that child. There are, however, parenting classes that condone spanking and other coercive approaches to parenting. There are also parenting classes that are simply lectures about aspects of raising children, and classes that provide parents experiences in a wonderful learning environment in which they can be trained in how to handle challenging behaviors.

Few, if any, judges in pronouncing such sentences tell the offender which kind of parenting class they should take. Although some juvenile and family courts run their own parenting classes, most do not. If the judge doesn’t specify what kind of parenting class to take, neither do they ask for a report confirming that the parent learned alternative forms of discipline. Typically, they may ask for a report that gives details about attendance and whether they “completed” the course.

I hope for Peterson’s son’s sake that Adrian Peterson gets in a good class with an experienced instructor who will help him learn to use alternative forms of positive discipline that will help him find positive ways of teaching his son self-control. And that Peterson learns that he doesn’t have to use weapons and hitting to teach his child valuable lessons. Unfortunately, as is evident in Adrian Peterson’s family, such lessons get handed down from one generation to the next.

National Study Identifies Which Teens Involved in Violence

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National Study Identifies Which Teens Involved in Violence

 A national study reveals that nearly 7.8 million adolescents aged 12 to 17 — almost one third of teens — participated in one of three violent behaviors over the past year. The study, conducted by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), showed that 22.6 percent of adolescents reported having participated in a serious fight at school or work; 16.1 percent reported involvement in group-against-group fighting; and 7.5 percent reported attacking others with the intent to seriously hurt them.

With nearly one in three youths engaging in at least one of the violent behaviors in this SAMHSA report, it is clear that youth violence remains an ongoing public health problem.

For those of us who have worked with adolescents, this is not surprising. In my work with teens in the juvenile justice system, I almost exclusively worked with teenagers who had been violent. Their violent behavior ranged from hitting or slapping a family member to attacking an antagonist with a knife or a firearm. For many of these youth, some as young as 11 or 12, violence is a way of life. The only way they know how to solve conflicts is with their fists or a weapon.

While violent behaviors occur among youths in all economic circumstances, the recently-released SAMHSA research report indicates that rates are highest among young people in families with lower incomes — regardless of their age or gender. Also, having lower grades in school is strongly associated with higher rates of violence, and for those with a “D” average or lower, income made no difference in the percentage who engaged in violent behaviors.

Overall, male adolescents were more likely to engage in violent behaviors than females (34.6 percent versus 27.0 percent). Yet, key factors relate to family income and grades at school.

Adolescents from families with higher annual incomes are less likely to engage in violent behaviors than those from lower income families. For example, adolescents from families with annual incomes of $75,000 or more are far less likely to be involved in violent behaviors than adolescents from families with annual incomes of less than $20,000.

And academic performance is also associated with risk for participating in violent behaviors. Adolescents with “A” averages in school were less than half as likely to be involved in violent behaviors as adolescents earning “D” averages in school.

Low academic performance even seems to transcend the association with family income as a risk factor for violent behaviors. Among adolescents with “D” averages, those coming from families with annual incomes of $75,000 or higher had nearly identical rates of violent behaviors as those who came from families with annual incomes of less than $20,000 .

“Youth violence has long lasting, devastating consequences — the alarming rates of violence found by this study reinforce the importance of our efforts to prevent violence,” SAMHSA Administrator Pamela S. Hyde, J.D., is quoted as saying on the SAMHSA website. “These rates also underscore the need to treat the psychological trauma that can result from youth exposure to violence. Community leaders and school officials can use this vital information in making decisions about creating safe learning environments, and effective treatment programs which can rebuild young lives and promote safer communities.”

Given the results of this study, it seems that for community leaders, youth in low-income families should be targeted for programs that promote positive youth development. Such programs can promote positive relationships with peers, emphasize youths’ strengths, and provide opportunities to learn healthy behaviors.

As parents, there are things you can do as well. As Pamela S. Hyde suggests in her quote, if your child has been exposed to violence, then he or she needs help to cope with that experience. Research is very clear that when young people are exposed to violence, even if they appear healthy afterwards, their risk for being violent themselves soars.

Furthermore, since academic grades appear to be a major factor in youth violence, it’s important that you be very involved in school and your youngster’s education. Parental involvement in education is shown in dozens of studies to be the key factor in academic success. However, given the relationship to violence, it’s even more imperative that you get involved in your child’s school life – and stay involved throughout high school.